


Adventures of the Galaxy's Most Idiotic Trio

by hikikomochi



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic
Genre: Gen, Humor, Original Character(s), Stupidity, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-20
Updated: 2017-12-20
Packaged: 2019-02-17 15:55:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13080270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hikikomochi/pseuds/hikikomochi
Summary: A Jedi Knight, a Sith Lord, and one of the Galaxy's most wanted criminals would and could have made a dangerous combination, if any of them had a drop of common sense.





	1. Off to a Great Start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fate binds the dumb together.

It's a peaceful day to be in the Jedi temple, as though nobody is around. Usually there would be noises of little younglings running around and training with one another, the occasional banters between two masters, and more than often the faint energetic sounds of Padawans' lightsabers during training. Now it seemed empty. Lifeless. Silent.

A young woman stopped between two large pillars in the massive hallway as she suddenly realized she was literally the only one in the temple. She was Rylemake Kione, a Jedi knight who hailed from Stewjon. She decided she'd skipped too many training sessions, only to find that it was deserted when she decided to actually go. Figures.

The air around her suddenly grew cold. She could feel chills down her spine, but more importantly, she sensed vague malice in the area surrounding her.

'They must've taken the others', Rylemake thought to herself. She rolled over behind one of the large pillars after hearing footsteps close by. A hooded figure paced quietly, his dark cloak flew in the increasingly cold air. His surrounding grew dark and ominous as he stepped closer, further into the temple.

"Darth Silentus." Rylemake whispers to herself when she caught a glimpse of his metal mask. Although he was not doing much, every move the Darth made was eerie. Silence shrouded him like a fog. And Darth Silentus’ brand of quiet was an unsettling absence of sound.

She'd heard of his horrible tales, ones from the few Jedi masters who fought him and lived. Darth Silentus was just as dangerous as he is powerful. His strikes were quick and swift, but he used his powerful connection to the Dark Side as his killing blows. None of his victims could ever see death coming before it was too late. Only a handful of survivors had ever heard his infernal voice as he was said to be so unremorseful, so unchallenged that he could not bring himself to shout in battle.

Darth Silentus stopped only a small distance away from the large balcony far away from the pillars. Rylemake knows she was no match for the Darth, but he was distracted. She took the opportunity to flee.

 ---

"Out of the way! Coming through! Excuse me!" A man rushed through the crowded marketplace, making a whole mess of his surrounding.

"Get back here Zendu!" An older man yelled, clumsily chasing the man, "Pay your due or die, you son of a--!"

Drey Vendu was a con man, a smuggler, a thief, an illegal arms dealer and everything else that defined a space fugitive. Currently, he owed money to one of the most dangerous gangs in the outer rim, a branch organization of the Hutt Clan. He’d landed on a core planet in an attempt to escape but obviously it wasn't going smoothly for him.

Drey swiftly turned to an alley to avoid his loan shark. He kept running even after he's sure nobody is chasing him anymore, because the truth was he could never be sure. The only thing stopping him was an un-expecting patrolling Imperial trooper. He shouted as they both collided, rolling and stumbling upon each other. The trooper passed out after they hit their head on the metal wall at the end of the alley.

"Oh no," As soon as Drey got up, he inched closer towards the trooper and shook him by the shoulders. "Hey, hey man. Are you dead??"

"ZENDU!" The loan shark yelled from a short distance.

"Damn. Dammit, dammit, dammit!" Drey cursed as he tried to calm down and think about an escape plan. He frantically looked around the dead end. The wall was too high to climb and there weren't any open windows he could climb in. "What do I do? What do I do? What do I-"

He slowly turned to the unconscious trooper.

 ---

"Okay Ryle. You can do this. Just quietly tiptoe and then make a run for it. Then you’ll live a prosperous life as a lone Jedi Knight and that isn’t so bad. Nobody would yell at you for ditching, in fact it’ll be a life of ditching and—Okay focus." Rylemake quietly snapped herself out of her fantasy. "Okay. Okay, here we go."

She took a deep breath and very quietly moved to the exit, just keeping the hope that Darth Silentus won’t notice her.

And then the Darth turned his head. He silently watched the Jedi, who was frozen mid-run.

"I-" Rylemake made an attempt to stand up straight and reached for the lightsaber in her belt, "I am impressed you’ve seen through my tactics, Sith scum! Now come on and fight me!”

The Darth ominously turned towards her, the crimson lights of his eyes emitting hatred and inspiring fear. The swift gesture he makes to activate his saber amplified the sinister hiss of its sound. As he paced closer, Darth Silentus raised his palm slightly and Rylemake passed out right then and there.

He looked at his hand in confusion. He hadn't done anything yet.

\---

"RU-8815H!" A voice, lightly disguised in radio, called out.

The Imperial trooper coded ‘RU-8815H’ turned around quickly.

"Me?"

"Yes you. What do you think you're doing here?" The other trooper asked.

"I was uh-- I was-" RU-8815H replied.

"Never mind. Just get back to the ship, we're done here." The trooper commanded.

"Oh, cool. I mean- Yes, sir!" RU-8815H responded with a salute, and his commander could care less. The trooper turned his head to catch a glimpse of the angrily confused loan shark. The loan shark stared at him ever so suspiciously before continuing his search. It could have been malice towards the Empire as an entirety, but RU-8815H sensed more.

Drey Zendu, the man inside RU-8815H's armor, finally found the chance to sigh in relief.

"Hey you! Didn't you hear me? I said get back to the ship!" The commander shouted.

"Huh? O-Oh!" RU-8815H quickly stepped along into the line of the other Imperial troopers.

Drey Zendu, the man inside RU-8815H's armor, realized he'd gotten into deeper shit than he was already in.


	2. Odd Combo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get deep.

Darth Silentus silently stared at the Jedi he’d caught. Her cuffed hands twitched and her head lulled as she was still in unconsciousness. Although he was just about sure that she’d been purposely left by the Jedi to stay and fight him, he was still confused on why she’d passed out so suddenly and why literally nobody else was fighting along side her.

She must be the most powerful among them, and this situation must be an odd Jedi trick. Bringing a Jedi prisoner on board could be fatal, but Darth Silentus was ready.

Rylemake blinked back into consciousness and slowly raised her head. She jumped a bit at the sight of Darth Silentus glaring directly at her from the opposite of the dark room. He watched her, and she stared back.

“You—You can’t keep me here forever, Sith lowlife!” Rylemake said loudly.

Darth Silentus stood still for a second, reaching to his jaw for what sounded like a switch. He paced to where Rylemake was. If Rylemake weren’t strapped in, she would’ve ran away.

“You’re finally awake.” He said, or whispered. His voice was coarse, eerily quiet, like a branch scratching into rough stone.

“Hell yeah I am! And I’m gonna kick your dumb pale ass when I get out of this thing!” Rylemake responded, struggling to get out of the confinement.

“Are you thirsty?” The Darth asks. Rylemake’s furiously furrowed eyebrows shifted into full-on confusion.

“What?” She asked.

“Do you want a drink? You’ve been out for a long few hours.” The Sith explained, still in his raspy voice. “It’s important to stay hydrated.”

“What are you talking about?” Rylemake wasn’t sure if she’s scared, confused, or both. “Is this a Sith trick?”

“So you’re good? Don’t want anything to drink?” Darth Silentus continued, “Something to eat, maybe? No?”

“Stop playing tricks on me!” Rylemake demanded rather loudly, “Where are the others, what have you done with the other Jedi, the Padawans, the- the younglings? What have you done to our children, you sick bastard?!”

Darth Silentus stared at the prisoner. His gaze alone suffocated Rylemake with fear of the abyss. Such mystery the Darth emitted, his unreadable face hidden behind the mask simply complimented the enigmatic air around him.

“You… Don’t know where they are?” He asked plainly.

“No! Of course not! You took all of them, how should I know where they are?” Rylemake continued with her anger.

“… No. That means they’ve evacuated without you.”

“What?”

A long silence filled the room. Both stared at each other in so much confusion.

“Yikes.” Darth Silentus stroked his chin, “This is awkward. Like, wow. I feel bad.”

“That’s a lie!” No, _that’s_ a lie. Rylemake knows there was an 80% chance that they did, in fact, evacuate without telling her. “Release me so I can slaughter you, infidel!”

“Believe me, I really want to release you, since you clearly don’t know what’s going on.” The Darth says and Rylemake glared, “But they told me I have to kill you after I interrogate you. Protocol and all, you know how it is.”

The sound of the lightsaber shocked Rylemake. She eyed at the glowing red laser that would be the end of her, as she recalled the good memories she’d made in her life. Sadly the only highlight of her life was when the Jedi found her rolling in the mud in the middle of a dumpster in her home planet. ‘Powerful Jedi knights are always found in the most peculiar places’ her master always said before giving up on her and leaving her to train by herself.

“I-“ The Sith stuttered, lightsaber raised shakily. “I can’t do this.” The Darth deactivated the lightsaber as he turns around dramatically.

“Hah! As expected from a Sith coward.” Rylemake yelled way too confidently. She flinched when Darth Silentus turns to her.

“… You’re right, Jedi.” The Darth lowered his head and deactivated his mask, taking it off. “Why am I even doing this? I can’t be a Sith my master wants me to be.” His scratchy ominous voice instantly faded into something more human, friendlier to the ears. He looked… Plain without the mask.

“That’s right, Sith! Now let me go so I can end your miserable life!” Rylemake yelled even more, masking her confusion.

“Yeah.” Darth Silentus said, wiping the sweat off of his dark hair. “There’s no point living like this.” He pressed a button to release the prisoner. Rylemake dropped from the vertical table and her face collided with the cold metal floor.

The young Jedi quickly stood up and prepared to run away, but she dared look back at the _weirdly_ sulky Sith. Was he even a Sith? Weren’t they supposed to be the most arrogant pieces of shit in the galaxy? To add to her utter confusion, Darth Silentus was sitting in the corner and hugging his knees. At this point, Rylemake began to question the horrible tales and legends she’d heard about this mysterious Sith.

“H-Hey, dude.” She approached him, genuinely feeling bad. “I didn’t mean it, I’m sorry okay.”

“No, you’re right, Jedi,” Darth Silentus sighed, “I’m not ominous or cruel or even dark enough to be who the council wants to be. What’s the point of all that when I can’t even kill a weakling like you? No offense.”

Okay, there it was, there’s the spot of annoying Sith in him. Rylemake put a hand on Darth Silentus’ shoulder for mental support, patting him.

‘This is the monster everyone is afraid of?’ Somewhere inside her little mind she’s amused to have seen _the_ Darth Silentus, the actual Sith who’s defeated countless Jedi masters, sulk only because of what she’s said to him. When the Darth started crying Rylemake realized he obviously was not what the legend made him to be. She also realized she can benefit.

\---

It was the first time Drey has been inside of an aircraft that belongs to the Empire. His first impression was that there were so many things he can steal and sell in the market, rare-collectible-things that could make him a very wealthy man. But no, he made sure he doesn’t take anything with him when he escapes. He was done looking for more trouble. Drey had promised himself that he’s going to escape without causing any more bullshit.

Almost seconds after he’s made that promise, he passed a canon he’s sure to never have been sold or bought in the black market. In that moment, his mind trailed off into the amount of zeros behind a digit that weapon can make.

Drey broke his own promise not only once.

\---

“… And the only reason I wear a mask is because I don’t want my master seeing even a little bit of remorse when I kill people. It’s custom made to be soundproof so no embarrassing guilt-noise comes out of me when I have the speaker off. Also I don’t like my face to be the last thing you Jedi see when you die. It’s embarrassing.” Darth Silentus said, lying on the floor next to Rylemake, who was inspecting the mask.

“Must be tough pleasing your master and stuff, right?”

“The council, definitely. They’re not the friendliest. But my master? I don’t know, I just feel responsible to make him proud you know. He’s like a grandpa to me.” He sighs.

“Dude, didn’t you say he kidnapped you from your home planet?”

“Yeah, he was probably like a billion light years away from my planet when he sensed my power or something. Imagine the trouble he’s gone through to get me. I don’t wanna be a disappointment!”

Rylemake furrowed her brows, “How the hell are you a Sith?”

“Anyways, we’ve been here too long. You should go before people start asking questions.” Darth Silentus put his mask back on as he sat up. “I’ll clear a path.”

He poked his head out of the interrogation room entrance and looked left and right. The Darth nonchalantly got out of the room and checked the hallways, Rylemake following not far from him. He shoved her back behind a wall when a few troopers passed. When the coast was clear, the two snuck through the corridors and hallways.

RU-8815H was carrying way too many things to look like a regular trooper. He’d stacked some guns, carrying them on his left arm and explosives in his right arm, two canons were hung each on his arms and his leg dragged another.

“Come on, this way.” Darth Silentus ran through the empty corridor.

All three of them were apparently to stupid to look at where they were going.

And so, Rylemake tripped on Darth Silentus’ cloak, which sent her face to the cold unforgiving floor once again. The Darth was pulled and almost choked by his unnecessary article of clothing and was also sent down into the cold hard fate that was the floor. Meanwhile Drey tripped on the fallen Darth and yes, also fell on the floor while in the process, dropped every single thing he’d stolen.

“Oh gosh, are you okay?” Darth Silentus sat up and helped RU-8815H.

“Shit.” Was the only word that came out of Drey’s mouth after realizing who he’d tripped on. “O-O-Oh great Sith lord! I’m so sorry I stole these! I’m not really a trooper; I’m only here to run away from my loan shark. Please, I beg you, don’t kill me! I promise you’ll never see me again I-“

“Okay, okay, calm down!” Darth Silentus held Drey’s shoulders, “I won’t tell anyone if you help my Jedi friend, Rylemake, escape. I promise.”

“Um. Sure. But like- You’re a Sith, right? Am I wrong?“

“Less talking more getting up and walking, assholes.” Rylemake said, standing up. The two dudes quickly stood up and continued sneaking past troopers and crewmembers.

“Okay, I think the escape shuttles are somewhere over there.” Darth Silentus said, “You two stay put, I’ll make sure it’s safe.” And then he dashed out the corridor.

“For real. Who is that guy? Is he some sort of Republic spy?” Drey turned to Rylemake in the hope of finding answers.

“No man, that’s actually Darth Silentus.”

“ _That’s_ Darth Silentus? No, no you’re kidding right?”

Rylemake simply shook her head, “I know, I didn’t believe it either.”

The Darth rushed back to the two of them, “We have an issue.”

“What issue?” Rylemake asked.

“My master’s right next to the hangar entrance.”

“What the- what’s he doing there?” Drey asked, “Shit, what if he expected us or something? Like he predicted the future using the force or something?“

“Dude, Sith can do that?”

“No? Of course not. He’s just really, really old. He gets lost and confused sometimes okay.”

“Okay, so how do we deal?” Rylemake asks.

“I have an idea, but it’s a little bold. Are you guys up for it?” Drey said.

Darth Silentus and Rylemake looked at each other before nodding.

\--

The old Sith lord wandered around the corridor. He swore he was just in the cockpit and his old mind can’t remember how the didly darn heck he got there next to the hangar. The old man wished he had his disciple to help him out in this maze of a spacecraft.

And so Darth Silentus rolls into the room. Rylemake followed after, Force-somersaulting over the Darth.

“You can’t catch me, you Sith scum!” Rylemake yelled in horrible tone, as though she was reading a bad script.

“Oh yeah?” Darth Silentus responded in monotone, getting up and almost falling down again because he stepped on his robe. “If I- can’t catch you then I shall kill you!”

“You’re no match for my,” Rylemake got her lightsaber, dropped it, and picked it up. She activated it, “ _Lightsabering_ skills!”

“Go on and try me, er- Jedi!” as he was talking, Darth Silentus searched for his lightsaber which was apparently not on his belt or inside his cloak. It suddenly rolled from behind the wall. He walks there and picked it up before activating it.

Behind the wall, Drey had been facepalming since the beginning.

“nyoom.” Rylemake said out loud as she swung her lightsaber.

“nyoom nyoom.” Darth Silentus followed her lead.

“nyoom nyoom nyoom.”

“nyoom pshow.”

“pshooooowp nyoom nyoom.”

Drey was in the verge of tears. It was a mistake to think those two idiots could actually act. They were all going to die.

“Light force!” Rylemake yelled, gesturing her hand forward. Darth Silentus unskillfully fell to the wall and rolled on the floor trying to be dramatic but ended up looking like a certain captain of a certain USS Enterprise.

“After her, my minion!” The Darth yelled, pointing at her.

It was Drey’s cue to get out and chase after her, but his energy was so drained from their stupidity all he could do is power walk towards Rylemake, who only remembered to run away when Drey was a meter away from her.

“Varik!” The old Sith lord rushed to his pretend-hurt disciple.

Drey stood still and looked back at the Sith lords in a massive amount of disbelief. The only thing that brought him back to reality was the shuttle door opening. He looked back at the Jedi operating it.

“Coming?” Rylemake offered.

“Nah, actually I think I’m better off right here.” Drey answered, taking his trooper helmet off. “I kinda wanna get to know Varik better.”

“Varik?”

“Yeah, that’s his name. ‘Darth Silentus’.”

“Well if you’re sure, suit yourself. It was nice meeting you, RU-whatever the hell your name is.”

“Call me Drey the arms dealer.”

“Goodbye, Drey. I hope we never see each other again.” Rylemake waved as the shuttle closed.

Drey gave her a salute before she took off. He put on the helmet and went back to the corridor.

“Sir, the Jedi got away and-“

“Master, I’m fine. I’m okay. Use my voice as a guide master. Don’t give into the abyss!” Varik is comforting his master who is old and about to pass out and/or away. He looked at the stiffening Drey and mouthed, “One second.”

Drey slowly walked away from the supposedly touching scene.

\---

“You’re telling us you got captured by Darth Silentus, defeated him, and escaped unharmed?”

“Exactly. And you know what? I discovered my true power, what I’m capable of, when I battled him. It was so intense you would not even believe. He’s not match for me because _I’m stronger_.”

The Padawans and younglings’ eyes glimmered, impressed by Rylemake’s survival story.

“What’s he like in real life?” A Padawan asked.

“Well he’s-“ Rylemake grinned, “Exactly like what the masters described him as, and ten times worse.”


End file.
